In his book Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous To Your Mental Health, Dr. William Glasser describes 7 deadly habits that we use to try to control others. Before I reveal the 7 deadly habits let me share some of the underlying thinking that we use to justify our attempts to control others. One of the thoughts is that it is possible to control someone else. We would never try this behavior if we did not believe that it had some chance of working. The most deceptive thought is that: “It's the right thing to do - it's right for me and it's right for you as well”. Both ideas are incorrect but they are front and center when external control is being practiced.
Ok - here they are - the 7 deadly habits of external control. CRITICISING, BLAMING, COMPLAINING, NAGGING, THREATENING, PUNISHING, AND BRIBING (or rewarding to control - there's nothing wrong with rewarding unless we do it to get something or cause something to happen). Think of how often - in any given day - you use one or more of these deadly habits. Imagine how you would relate to your partner if you never used one of these again. You would encourage, support, compliment, let unpleasant things go, ask once - then trust that the job will get done, give without expecting anything, speak positively! Can you imagine how your partner would respond to this kind of behavior from you? Are you excited enough to begin a new life of self-control in place of external control. Let me suggest that you begin by identifying the deadly habit you use most often. Then start doing the opposite. Here are the habits with their opposites: Criticizing-Commending; Blaming-Complimenting; Complaining-Accepting; Nagging-Trusting; Threatening-Respecting; Punishing-Excusing; Bribing-Giving Freely. Watch the remarkable change in your spouse as they experience your new behaviors. Better yet - watch the remarkable change in yourself. Using the 7 deadly habits drags a person down and contributes to their unhappiness. Doing the opposite of the deadly habits builds a person up and adds to their happiness. You win - your partner wins…so what are you waiting for. Start the positive habits today and let me know what's happening in your relationship. You can email your results to me care of this website.