"Marriage Checkup"

Now that Valentine's Day has passed, it might be a good time to give your marriage a check-up to see how healthy your vital signs appear. Here's a Couple Thoughts from Gary Smalley and his book Making Love Last Forever. He identifies five vital signs of a healthy marriage. Answer the following questions honestly - score your points accordingly and I'll tell you what they mean at the end.

Vital Sign 1: Both partners should feel safe to think for themselves

Healthy Signs: Does your partner encourage you to think? Do they recognize and appreciate your creative ideas? Do they seek your input on issues? Score 10 points.

Unhealthy Signs: Does your partner dismiss your ideas? Do they tell you your ideas are stupid? Do they tell you just to do what they say and not ask so many questions? Score -10 points.

Vital Sign 2: Both partners should feel their words are valued

Healthy Signs: Does your partner listen without interrupting-even if they don't agree? Does your partner ask questions about what you have said? Are your suggestions sometimes the ones you both agree to? Score 10 points.

Unhealthy Signs: Does your partner argue with you when you disagree? Do they sometimes appear not to be listening - or even walk away when you are talking? Do they roll their eyes or make dismissive sounds when you talk? Score -10 points.

Vital Sign 3: Both partners should find safety in expressing their feelings

Healthy Signs: Does your partner offer verbal support when you express your feelings? Does your partner offer physical support when you express your feelings? Do you look forward to sharing your feelings with your partner? Score 10 points.

Unhealthy Signs: Does your partner try to talk you out of your feelings? Do they ever make fun of your feelings by calling you an unflattering name or by mocking you? Do you avoid sharing feelings because it just doesn't matter to your partner? Score -10 points.

Vital Sign 4: Both partners should feel meanigfully connected

Healthy Signs: Do you look forward to being with your partner at the end of the day? Do you enjoy doing things together? Is your intimacy frequent and satisfying? Score 10 points.

Unhealthy Signs: Does your partner invent reasons not to be with you? Does your partner use controlling behaviors with you like criticizing, blaming, nagging, or threatening? Do you often feel like you don't even know your partner? Score -10 points.

Vital Sign 5: Both partners should respect each others boundaries

Healthy Signs: Does your partner respect your request for privacy or not to be touched? Could you leave your journal on the kitchen table and know that your partner won't look? Can you say “no” to your partner and not feel you've offended them? Score 10 points.

Unhealthy Signs: Does your partner require that you tell them where you are going when you go out? Do they ever look through mail addresses to you? Have they ever said something to embarrass you in public? Score -10 points.

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SCORING

30 to 50 POINTS: You've got a great relationship - keep up the good work

0 to 20 points: There are some good things happening in your relationship and with a little work they could be better. On the vital signs where you have negative numbers - try working on the healthy signs and doing less of the unhealthy. Pick up a book on relationships from authors like Gary Smalley or John Gray. Read them and try what they suggest.

-10 to -50 points: You've got some problems that will only get worse without some help. Contact a therapist who specializes Marriage issues and don't quit therapy till you get better.
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