(This is the second of a two part article on 10 Steps to Highly Effective Communication in Relationship) Last month I talked about Steps 1-5 of how to communicate in a highly effective manner; following are the remaining 5 steps.
Step 6: Encourage reflective listening. When you've delivered your I-Message ask your listener to repeat back what they heard so you'll know if they're getting the message. After they reflect what they've heard go to Step 7. Continue asking them till they reflect automatically. Tell them it's like ordering at McDonalds drive up. You give your order - the clerk inside reflects it back so you know they got it right.
Step 7: Correct or supply what they missed. You'll be surprised at how much your listener is missing. Be gentle as you tell them what they missed or got wrong when they reflected back what they thought you said. If you're giving them too much information at a time - try cutting back. You can still say everything you want but reveal it a little at a time.
Step 8: Thank them for listening. What makes us think that people want to listen to us. My patients pay me to listen - so pay your partner with a big thank you…it's a good step toward helping them be a better and more frequent listener.
Step 9: Give them time to digest. Words do not cause people to change….ideas cause people to change. Ideas take time to sink in and grow - so be patient. State your piece and let it work in the listener. Demanding an immediate answer is a good way to loose cooperation.
Step 10: Keep your expectations reasonable. Don't entertain thoughts like “If they truly loved me then they'd do what I ask” or “Any reasonable person would agree with me”. Love and agreement on issues rarely go hand in hand. Expect that they heard you if you used Steps 1-9, expect that they'll give your data some consideration - but expecting compliance or agreement is the recipe for disappointment. If your are often finding your feelings hurt then maybe you should adjust your expectations. Check out my article on External Control on the website…it will help your adjust your expectations.