So here is the situation. A couple comes into my office and learns some new ways to relate to each other. Her need is for more small indications that he loves her and cares for her. Phone calls, kind words, and little gifts that are just for her. His need is for her to trust him and be less nagging and rejecting. Though he may not verbalize it - his hope is also for her to be a more willing and enthusiastic participant in their intimacy. The week passes and they return. I ask how things went and he says (as all us males say) “fine”. She's less enthusiastic but not complaining. As I begin to press her for details of how he demonstrated his caring for her - she can't come up with many - and the ones she mentions, she largely dismisses as being “for the family” or “for both of them”. He becomes defensive - she begins to cry - he's thinking, “I didn't even want to come to therapy and now I'm getting beat up”!
What went wrong here is so common that it's worth talking about. I had warned each in session one about unrealistic expectations of their partner - but neither listened. How big a problem can expectations be? I've got a couple thoughts that may help your relationship if you set about to change it.
Expectations are the seeds of depression. My experience with depression has shown me that it is caused primarily by one of three things: not getting something we wanted very much, getting something we didn't want at all, or finding that “our” reality - and reality - didn't match.
She was depressed because she knew he got my message about doing more for her and she had expected that it would be a whirlwind week of romance. She expected a flood but just got a trickle.
He was depressed because he had done several things around the house, and a couple new things that, in his mind, he dedicated to her. He expected that she would be very grateful for what he had done but nooooo, she was critical. And I won't even mention the lack of intimacy.
Session two became an exercise of exposing the expectations and then readjusting them. She no longer expects him to go from cad to Casanova in a week, and he no longer expects her to fall into his arms for picking up his socks.