"Infidelity"
I usually open this column with something lighthearted but today's topic: “Infidelity” is just too serious. It's the only marital violation for which the Christian Bible permits divorce. When a couple comes to my office to work on their marriage the first question I ask is: has there been any domestic violence in the relationship, any substance abuse, or any infidelity. Infidelity does not rule out therapy - but it makes it more challenging.
Infidelity - should you reveal & can you heal ?… I've got a Couple Thoughts on that topic.
Since either gender might commit infidelity - I'm going to suggest two different approaches for dealing with it.
If it's already happened and you are a male - stop! Few women are willing to share their husband sexually with another woman so the longer the affair goes on after you've been discovered the more difficult it is to fix. Confess to your wife right away and be sure to tell her that it is over, you're sorry and you want to get some help. Seek counseling immediately and do not rush your wife to “get over it”. Women need to regain trust in you and get beyond the feelings that they have done something wrong or made a mistake in marrying you in the first place.
If you are a female - stop the affair immediately and seek a knowledgeable counselor who can help you understand why this happened and how to get beyond it. Do not tell your husband! Unlike you, he will most likely never intuit that something was going on. In my experience it's the men who “just can't get over it” even if they have cheated as well. It's that old double standard.
Let me take this even one step further. John Gray - the Mars/Venus guy says that “Mental Monogamy” is just as important as physical monogamy. Behavior begins in the head. If you find yourself thinking how good it would be to in the arms of someone else - you've already got the beginnings of a problem. Pay a visit to a well trained Pastor or mental health counselor and let them know what you are experiencing. It's said that sexual thoughts are like birds…you can't stop them from flying over your head but you can stop them from making a nest in your hair.
If it's already happened and you are a male - stop! Few women are willing to share their husband sexually with another woman so the longer the affair goes on after you've been discovered the more difficult it is to fix. Confess to your wife right away and be sure to tell her that it is over, you're sorry and you want to get some help. Seek counseling immediately and do not rush your wife to “get over it”. Women need to regain trust in you and get beyond the feelings that they have done something wrong or made a mistake in marrying you in the first place.
If you are a female - stop the affair immediately and seek a knowledgeable counselor who can help you understand why this happened and how to get beyond it. Do not tell your husband! Unlike you, he will most likely never intuit that something was going on. In my experience it's the men who “just can't get over it” even if they have cheated as well. It's that old double standard.
Let me take this even one step further. John Gray - the Mars/Venus guy says that “Mental Monogamy” is just as important as physical monogamy. Behavior begins in the head. If you find yourself thinking how good it would be to in the arms of someone else - you've already got the beginnings of a problem. Pay a visit to a well trained Pastor or mental health counselor and let them know what you are experiencing. It's said that sexual thoughts are like birds…you can't stop them from flying over your head but you can stop them from making a nest in your hair.
Rick may be reached at Psychology Health Group (563)359-4049