I live in a small (by today's standards) but comfortable home. During the first ten years we lived here, the only path from the bedrooms to the basement or the front room to the basement was through our tiny galley kitchen. Now I love to cook but find in annoying to keep dodging people on the busiest pathway in the house; so ten years ago I put a new archway entrance in the front room so traffic could go up and downstairs without going through the kitchen. Do you think anybody uses it? No way! It's traffic as usual at my house. Why is this and how does it pertain to relationships…I've got a couple thoughts on this topic of CHANGE.
There is a word “homeostasis” that comes from two of Greek words - “homeo” - meaning “the same” and “stasis” meaning “to stand or stay”. This word describes a notion that a system has a tendency to try to stay the same - especially when confronted with change. A system can be a person, a couple, a family, even a town. If a system tends to be homeostatic then is it possible to change our partner or is conventional wisdom correct that the only person we can change is ourselves? I often disagree with conventional wisdom. I'm not a cynic…I like to think of myself as an optimist with experience.
We can play a significant role in the changing of our partner but we often go about it in a wrong way. We try to force change by giving ultimatums. This may produce immediate but temporary change. We can reason with our partner - but rarely do words change people.
The way to change your partner is a twofold process. First, change the way you respond to the behavior you don't like. It's not even important how you change - it's only important that your response is different …as completely different as you can make it. This is the beginning of the interruption of the “dance” the two of you have been in. Next, notice any positive change your partner makes no matter how tiny…and notice is in a big way while ignoring any of the old behavior. The bigger the notice - the more rapid the change will be. When you see how well this works with your partner you'll want to try it with your kids, your siblings, friends and coworkers! Have fun.