Most therapists adhere to one professional school of thought or another. I consider myself an Adlerian…a follower of Alfred Adler. Dr. Adler was a believer that education was an important component of therapy. He might have said that he educated those he counseled, because if they knew how to fix their problems on their own then they would have. I have often heard colleagues say that we have all the answers we need inside of us…but I think this is more of that “conventional wisdom” that is more conventional than it is wisdom. Let me share a couple thoughts on how I educate couples to be successful in a relationship.
Consider the training we all get for being in a relationship…movies, TV, and watching our own parents. I often tell hurting couples that it's not the 50% who choose divorce that amaze me but the 50% who stay together. Captain and Tennile told us that “Love will keep us together”. Love is to relationship as enthusiasm is to our jobs. It's wonderful, even necessary - but without training, love or enthusiasm alone will not make us successful. Here's what I've learned to be true and teach to every couple that has sought help from me:
- Draw a circle on the floor, step inside and work to control everything inside the circle while letting go of everything outside the circle. The vast majority of marital dysfunction grown out of a desire to control (or change) your partner.
- You partner is God's gift to you…exactly as they are…learn to love them as they are. (We're talking “normal” people here - no one ever needs to put up with physical or emotional abuse).
- Often the very characteristics that we admired when the relationship was young - become annoyances when the relationship has matured. (for example: in the beginning she said: “He's so sure of himself”…now she says: “He won't listen to anything”). If what attracted us is now a bother then maybe we changed