In the Summer of 2018, my father died suddenly and without warning.
In the aftermath, the world felt grey, formless, and--maybe worst of all--indifferent. Despite the fact that this huge part of my world was gone, everything around me continued to function. Life went on even though it felt like everything important had been jarringly halted. I couldn’t understand how this could’ve happened. I knew warning signs were there. I didn’t deny reality. I just got so lost in a hopeful future vision of what life would be that when it was clear that that the vision would not come to fruition it felt hopeless, and I was devastated. This is grief.
Grief is disorienting. Grief is painful. Grief is unbelievable. Grief feels unjust. Psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages that an individual will pass through during this grief process: anger, denial, bargaining, sadness/depression, and acceptance. These stages are not linear and we don’t pass through them sequentially. Instead, they come and go in joyous memories and searingly painful thoughts; moments of relief and normalcy and icy crashing waves of sorrow. Most of all, they do not operate by our timeline. Grief is not convenient.
Grief is a natural process, not to be dismissed, or stifled, but to be held as a sacred reminder of what the griever has lost and how much it meant to them. Author David Kessler writes, “You don't have to experience grief, but you can only avoid it by avoiding love. Love and grief are inextricably intertwined.” He quotes psychologist Erich Fromm noting that:
"To spare oneself from grief at all costs can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness."
Grief is our reflection of how much something or someone meant to us and how deeply we've loved. Contrary to love is apathy, and though tempting at times, apathy is no answer to this grief.
Apathy is a lack of "interest, enthusiasm, or concern". When practiced, it can give way to cynicism and pessimism--two "isms" that, as Author Jamil Zaki's writes "change the way we see realty and react to it". Cynicism is the belief that most individuals are self-interested, greedy, dishonest, and care little for you. Pessimism is the belief that nothing good will happen, a lack of hope for the future, and a tendency (if we're not careful) that leads us to focus on the worst of what's around us; thereby missing the bright spots.
While cynicism and pessimism tempt a griever during painful circumstance, the road forward requires us to feel the natural peaks and valleys of emotion without giving up on our values (what matters most, how we'd like to be remembered), and meaning (our sense of purpose that makes life worth living).
Meaning takes many forms. It's as unique as a person's fingerprints. No one can give you meaning though they may try (see: the worst things to say to someone in grief -- grief.com). Kessler poses a question: "What would best honor the years they didn’t get?" as a means of starting the consideration of meaning-making. Additionally, he recommends the following for those that want to help others heal:
Be supportive but don't try to fix it
Focus on feelings that are present; don't ask them to change their feelings
Be non-directive--don't tell them what to do
Admit that you can’t make it better, but reaffirm that you're here
Recognize loss; be sensitive to it
Remember that grief is not time-limited
Wanting to help others heal is part of our nature as humans. It's natural to care, natural to want to help, and healing happens through community. Be with people, don't wall off. Show up to the visitation even though you don't know what to say. Offer something, even if it's imperfect, as a reminder that there are people who care. additionally, for the griever:
Take care of yourself (especially because you may not feel like it)
Connect with supportive people around you (especially because you may not feel like it)
Reconnect slowly but steadily with meaningful activities (ESPECIALLY because you may not feel like it)
Give yourself plenty of time, patience, and grace. Mourning takes time and there is no rush.
Our message to you in your time of grief is: We are here. What you're feeling is okay--everything you're feeling. This will change and you have power to change it, in your own time. We are here as helpers, as fellow humans, and as your Quad Cities neighbors for your grief and your growth.
Resources and Readings:
Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief by David Kessler
Grief.com. "How to Talk to Someone Grieving". https://grief.com/10-best-worst-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief/
Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science of Human Goodness by Jamil Zaki
NIH on Aging. "Coping with Grief and Loss". https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/grief-and-mourning/coping-grief-and-loss
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
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